Criminals come in all forms, shapes and sizes—but some are rarer than others. It is not every day, you might imagine, that Portland, Oregon police have to deal with an elf attempting to joust with a car! Of course the car was damaged, and the police went to apprehend the elf right away. Here’s a look at this zany news item.

A woman who owned a red BMW called police, reporting an attack on her car. She incorrectly reported the assailant was a pirate, who was striking the car with a sword and a staff. When Konrad Bass, age thirty, was arrested at the scene, he corrected her error—he was in fact a “High Elf engaged in battle with the evil Morgoth.” This description betrays Bass’s evident enthusiasm for the works of J.R.R.Tolkien, as Morgoth is the supremely evil creature from The Silmarillion, a sort of mythological prequel to The Hobbit and The Lord of the Rings.

This Portland criminal was a high elf in more ways than one. He openly told officers he was high on LSD while on his blunderous elf adventure, and, furthermore, that the woman in the car he vandalized was “totally bad-vibing (him).” The feeling was surely mutual!

Bass had plenty to say about the encounter. He evaluated the outcome rightly, in a way—“Morgoth got the best of me.” He was ordered to undergo a psychiatric evaluation. Though he made light of the incident for some time, the high High Elf did show some insight. “I guess I just took it to the next level. I wasn’t in my right mind. I was still rocking my new pair of elf ears.”

Though zany news items are good from a distance, they should not serve as inspiration! Of course having a car damaged by a vandal is no laughing matter, but this can also serve as a cautionary tale against letting fantasies get a little out of hand. Konrad Bass was dressed in chain mail, and carried a staff and sword—perfectly normal items for a collector of fantasy replica apparel to own, but we at Armory Replicas must caution against any sort of behavior in this vein! We sell all these things and more, and in many varieties—medieval swords, chain mail, armor, daggers, crossbows, and other medieval apparel. A High Elf would indeed approve of our wares!